The Mary Sue Spotter's Guide
by An Artists Account
Summary: The Mary Sue Spotter's Guide-Protecting Yourself Against Unnatural Perfection


_In Scotland there is an incredible story. In the story there is an incredible world. And in this world there is a castle of incredible magnitude and magic._

_This castle is Hogwarts._

_Enter the huge double doors and head for the staircases - watch out: they tend to move. When you have safely navigated your way to the 2nd floor step off the stairs before they decide to take an unplanned trip to Severus Snape; always arm yourself with an emergency bottle of shampoo when descending to the dungeon- and walk forward until you are facing a door. Take a second to admire the words: _

_'Anyone dribbling, tearing, smudging, drawing upon, maltreating, or defacing these books in any way will be castrated and/or nailed to a tree in the Forbidden Forest to be torn to pieces by wild blood sucking bookworms-You have been warned. ''_

_which has been carved into it. Continue forwards and open the door. Silently gasp in a breath at the sight of so many volumes of wisdom-such as '1001 ways to grow nose hair into coloured ringlets' and other such magnitudes of wisdom that have accumulated over the 1000 or so years from whence this magical institution was founded. _

_After receiving a look more commonly known as a scowl that has sent more than one innocent bystander to the hospital wing on the brink of death from that unhinged librarian, Madam Pince, widely regarded as the most dangerous of all the Hogwarts professors, creep forwards. Make sure to avoid the tottering shelves piled high with what some have called her children, and make your way to the deepest darkest corner of the dimly lit library to a bookshelf covered in cobwebs and what looks suspiciously like blood._

_The volume there is obviously worth the most in the whole library, the gold curling print is proof enough of that. But it is not it's cover that makes this the most valuable book in the entire wizarding world._

_Pull the book off the shelf and find a secluded spot where you can read in peace. Open the book._

_This book is a survival guide. _

_The survival guide._

_Against the most deadly foe in all of fanfiction._

_It's a guide to protecting yourself against Mary Sues._

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Mary Sues: A spotters Guide to protecting yourself against unnatural Perfection

Introduction: A Mary sue (Female. Her male counterpart is known as a Gary Stu) is a derogatory term associated with the unnatural perfection of an authors main character. E.g. Bella from twilight.

There are several types of Mary Sues; however the three main ones are as follows:

**Angsty Sues-**

_**Some information to help you survive;**_

_Here's our Sue,_

_She's helpful and kind,_

_Never mind all those bruises,_

_That blacken her eye._

_Even with scars,_

_She's the most beautiful thing_

_Even without lessons,_

_Hell, can she sing._

_Without a horse,_

_She'll run far on foot_

_And never get sweaty,_

_Or covered with muck._

_She flees from her father,_

_Her loving mother, she's dead_

_She's an angel on Earth,_

_Or so it is said._

_This sob story spun,_

_To catch her Prince Charming_

_God help this story,_

_This girl is alarming._

Appearance:

_-Body Type:_ Slim but not too skinny. Just enough to look delicate enough to break.

_-Eyes:_ large and innocent, often startlingly blue or violet. Often described as scared doe eyes.

_-Hair: _ Long, curling, either brilliant gold described as being the colour of sunshine, glowing silver described as being the colour of starlight or other vibrant pale colours.

_-Other Features:_ As the story begins she will be covered in bruises/scars ect. That fade without a trace as soon as she meets her man.

:Or one scar will remain to mark her as a victim of some terrible ordeal e.g. rape, numerous beatings ect. But will not detract from her appearance.

Past: Our Sue will have had a terrible life, she will have lost her mother at a young age/birth and therefore will have no siblings. Her father either remarries/dies/is never at home/beats her. If He remarries her step- mother will be so jealous of her that she is beaten/treated as a slave/etc. Despite the daily beatings etc she is beautiful inside and out.

Life: After her thousandth beating ect. She will decide to run away, not in a car/by train/bus/bike/or horse, like any sensible person, no, she will run on foot, magically remaining perfectly clean and sweet smelling despite the fact she has fallen a thousand times in the dark forest. She will then almost die/encounter disaster in some form or other but will be rescued at the last second by the handsome prince/captain ect. The rest of the story is fairly predictable but I shall summarise. They fall in love but a jealous rival for the handsome prince/captain/leader will try to separate them, fail and then they will get married OR a character from Sue's past will appear, a jealous sibling/terrifying father/the person who beat our Sue will try to separate them. Sue or prince/leader/captain will be injured after the final battle and be on the brink of death when the other will confess their love for them through the pouring rain. The rain will stop, the sun come out , birds sing and they will magically be healed. They get married, the end.

Death: Sues, unfortunately, rarely die, unless to sacrifice themselves to save their beloved. This act of heroism usually ends up with the Sue being rewarded for her love by being brought back to life through magic.

Authors Note: These Angsty Sues try to snare unwary wizards by what is commonly known as a sob story. Under NO circumstances be taken in by those scared doe eyes and trembling lip, Angsty Mary's can turn nasty without a moment's notice

**How to avoid: **Through tedious and many, many hours of research, (here we remember the four hundred and eighty six men and women who have lost their lives trying to bring down this monster of fanfiction) it has been discovered that the best way to get out of an encounter with a Sue alive it to run away.

Terribly fast

**Rebel Sues-**

_**Some information to help you survive; **_

_This is our Sue,_

_A loud naughty yeller,_

_Who takes no stick,_

_Or rules from a feller._

_She's wild and disobedient,_

_But her beauty _

_Is radiant._

_She' s always in trouble,_

_And edgy with law._

_Nothing bursts her bubble_

_She's always wanting more._

_Her profession is romantic_

_But everyone loves her_

_She's really dramatic._

_With fiery hair,_

_And smouldering eyes,_

_She'll get what she wants,_

_Without any lies._

_This type of Sue;_

_Not the most dangerous king,_

_But hell can she give you,_

_A kick up the behind._

**Appearance:**

_-Body Type:_ Tall, Willowy but has the stamina of an ox, the muscles of an Olympic runner and the foot size of one of Snow White's dwarves.

_-Eyes:_ Smouldering; (sounds painful) and either are so dark they look black (useful for seeing in the dark?) or sapphire blue that flash with ice (ouch.)

_-Hair: _She will either have Spanish style thick dark locks that curl down to her waist, a bright auburn pixie cut or dyed bright luminous colours that magically never give her away when she's hiding from the baddies.

_-Other Features:_ She will have some bad-ass tattoo or piercings that she uses to express her free spirit.

**Past: ** A Rebel since birth, there will be a story surrounding Sue's birth. She will have been kidnapped by evil wizard/witch/warlock/king from Royal Family and taught magic, fighting/to be an assassin. Alternatively, Sue will have been rescued from the villain home by poor peasant leaving Sue to wander around listlessly (in between kicking guys arses) and wonder why she doesn't fit in.

**Life: **After being kicked out of the hundredth school in a row, Sue decides she must find herself and runs away. Along the way she will come across variety of characters, all who would give their lives for her, the hottest kick-ass guy ever who will fight constantly with her only to hide his deep, heart-rending attraction, and realise who her real parents are and how it is her destiny to save the universe. All on a Monday Morning and without getting the tiniest bit dirty.

Go figure.

**Death: **Her death will be dramatic with either her sacrificing herself to dark matter to save the universe or taking a bullet to protect her kick-ass boyfriend and adopted child (despite the fact the Sue thinks of herself as a feminists.) Unlike angsty Sues (see above) Rebel Sues do tend to stay dead.

Thank Goodness.

**Authors Note: **These Rebel Sues are proven to be able to pick up fighting techniques (such as karate, sword fighting and custard pie throwing in an instant and are deemed naturals. Do not enter into a battle of wit against a Rebel Sue as you will just end up with a headache. Then the Sue will kill you with Fists/Sword/Custard Pie. Try and **Keep Out Of Range** if possible, however, as Sue will be proficient as a sniper too, this may be difficult.

**How to avoid: ** The department for the regulation and control of dangerous creatures has this to say about Rebel Sues: "If you spot a _Rebel Sue_ DO NOT APPROACH. I Repeat **DO NOT APPROACH**! Instead immediately contact the Ministry of Magic: Department of Regulation and Control of Dangerous Creatures and we will attempt to subdue it. If you do come into contact with a Rebel Sue make sure you are armed with something.

Preferably a very large stick.

**Perfect Sues-**

_**Some information to help you survive; **_

_Our Perfect Mary, _

_She's so Scary,_

_Completely Perfect_

_In every way._

_A sweet little girl_

_with her golden curl_

_and eyes of that startling_

_blue variety._

_The perfect grades_

_Always wears shades_

_And somehow always manages_

_Not to walk into walls._

_How does she do it?_

_Does anyone know?_

_I've tried asking her_

_She just won't admit_

_That's she not really perfect_

_And it's really a crime_

_that her workaholic schedule_

_cuts in partying time._

**Appearance:**

_-Body Type:_ Thin, tiny; with double D's

_-Eyes:_ Bright, sky Blue which widen in fright, or innocence or...whatever.

_-Hair: _ She is blond, but not just blond no. Her hair is like spun gold, curling softly to the ground. It always shines like sunlight, even through the teenage years. Man would I like to know what shampoo she uses.

_-Other Features:_ pert noses seem to be the order of the day with Perfect Sues

**Past: ** The perfect childhood, loved by all, charms the birds out of the trees style childhood. But despite all this perfection Mary will have a troubled past. She may have grown up without her mother, or have a magically power that makes her feel an outcast when, in reality, everyone just wants to be her.

**Life: **The Girl Who Has It All**.** Perfect Sues are perfect (hence the name). They have perfect grades, the perfect face, the perfect body, the perfect background, the perfect...well, you get the picture. They're pretty perfect. In the real world this would make everyone hate her but no! In this universe everyone loves her. Teachers...adults... school peers...animals...small children...Dark Matter.

**Death: **Alas, Perfect Sues never die. They ride off into the sunset on the back of a gleaming white stallion/gleaming black motorbike etc. You never find out what happens after the Happy Ever After. You don't need to..You already know it's going to be just Perfect.

**Authors Note: **These Sues are the most dangerously dangerous of all. Be warned, if you come across one you will end up having your story ripped away from you, your hero seduced, your plot line diminished, and all your little furry animals slaughtered!

**How to avoid: ** No remedy has yet been found that can counteract The Sue. I'm sorry, it's true. The only thing known to work even slightly is too eat so much garlic their pert noses can't take the strain. Of course this tends to mean you lose all your other acquaintances too but that's a small price to pay for ridding yourself of The Sue.

One last Point: As food is one of the five exceptions to Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration you will not be able to generate garlic out of nothing so if you turn to the back of this book you will see three thousand blank pages. You may tear one out and transfigure it into garlic.

Be strong my friends and may the Force Be With You.

_You turn to the back of the book, finger's trembling with excitement. There is one page left. You sigh in relief and tear it out. You do not notice until much later when you are tied to a tree in the Forbidden Forest, a Wild Blood Sucking Worm, tickling your toes that there was one finally paragraph of small print on the back cover._

_Of course, if you do rip out one of these pages the unhinged Librarian will castrated and/or nail you to a tree in the Forbidden Forest to be torn to pieces by wild blood sucking bookworms._

_After all, never trust anything if you can't see where it keeps it's brain._


End file.
